My wedding is in seventeen days and my grandmother continues to be dead. These things are not related, yet they chase each other around and around inside my head. I cannot help but think that everything would be so much easier without the lack that death leaves.
Missing someone doesn’t have a timeline. Instead, it shows up and takes your breath away every time you wish that they were here, standing right next to you.
Seventeen days.
It’s isn’t that I’m not looking forward to it (I am) I just want things to be different. Slightly less grief-y and dark. Less cold and more sun. You know, in my perfect world.
Of course, if my world was perfect we would be able to cure cancer, turn back time and render people mute, all with the power of our minds.
Imperfect is what we’ve got and sometimes things are better and sometimes they are not.
That’s the way life goes.
***
Day nine of NaBloPoMo and I’m going mad.
Ok, can we petition the deities for the rendering people mute with our mind skill pls? I SERIOUSLY want that…like, will sell my first born child want.
In other thoughts – HUGS. I have a vague idea of what you are going through…while I am ridiculously excited to be graduating in December, every time I think about it I want to cry as Dad wont be there….despite knowing that on some level he will be, not having him physically there makes me want to rage and shout and wail.
Hello from a fellow NaBloPoMo Blogger! So srry about your grandmother. Congratulations and best wishes on your upcoming wedding.
Fellow NaBloPoMo insane-why-did-i-take-this-on blogger here! Ugh – major cataclysmic events for you! Embrace them. Just roll……and enjoy your wedding!
I missed my Grandmother so much when I got married. I wore her earrings, and sprayed myself with perfume I had taken from her room after she died. I was terrified I would forget what she smelled like. I agree about grief, it takes your breath away at unexpected times, and at times we most wish we could share with them. Good luck on your upcoming wedding, and with NaBloPoMo! (I’m going a little crazy, too :))
Eeek! My Birthday’s in November and a November wedding sounds so different and lovely! Congratulations!
So sorry about your grandmother, may God comfort you.
But how do you know she’s not with you still??
Grief is a hard thing to bear, especially when a joyous occasion has to be celebrated without the one you love. I’m so sorry for your loss.
On the bright side, you are one day ahead of me and closer to being done with NaBloPoMo…it’s still Nov. 8th in my part of the world!
*hugs* and love, sweetheart. xxx
I’m sorry for you loss.
I want to say that reading your post helped me. I’m in a somewhat similar situation. My wedding is i10 days and I lost some one in a car accident 3 weeks ago. I keep expecting things to have changed, as if there was some sort of appeals process, but of course they don’t. It helps to have someone express so adroitly the strange way that grief works.
yep, remembering my Dad never lived to see my daughter (first girl in the family for 11 years) is dangerously boggy ground … there will always be some occasion where we get smacked with that Oh wait! feeling.
this Christmas will be the first without my gorgeous brother, too. the list of ‘not here’s’ is starting to equal the ‘still with us’s’ … can’t forget those ‘still with us’s’ but — they’re kinda important.
wishing you the very best for your wedding day and married life beyond. xt
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