Sitting curled up in the chair with hot chocolate and a book, I am content. The music flicks over to a new song and suddenly, my breath comes ragged and I am broken.
That song, it takes me back to Nan’s funeral, train wreck that it was. The car breaking down, the bitter silence from my uncle and his family when I entered the funeral home, strung out, stressed and grieving. The same kick in the guts, remembering the music playing while a casket sat in front of us.
I remember my son sitting on my lap while silent tears ran down my face.
I remember the wake afterwards, half of our broken family icily angry with me, with us.
I remember and even when I try not to, small things bring it back in detail, taking my breath away.
At almost eleven months later, this doesn’t feel like it’s gotten any easier.
And I still can’t cry.
Where to people get the energy to be angry over silly things? I haven’t a clue.
Sending hugs. I hope the tears come soon. Maybe that will make it easier. I hope so.
I listened to that the other day and it brought me undone. xx.
And that song always will take you back there, no matter how long passes. Don’t beat yourself up about not crying, doesn’t mean you don’t care.
Oh sweetheart. Sending you loads of love ok? xxx
I can’t begin to imagine how hard this is for you. I can only send you hugs and hope that the pain starts to ease for you soon.
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