It’s a balancing act, knowing what to write about on the internet. An intricate dance of stories and perspectives, making sure you don’t put words in someone’s mouth and side-stepping the issue of privacy invasion. Knowing when to speak and when to hold your tongue, when to write and when to walk away.
It’s about more than not wanting to damage your own brand with drama.
It’s about knowing that truth can be fluid sometimes and not wanting it to be; wanting truth to be truth and lies to remain unspoken.
It’s a fine line.
***
My son is sad and his warm mass draped on my lap and snuggled to my chest brings to the fore all my maternal feelings. It doesn’t matter than he is dribbling in my cleavage or that I am not able to move, he is warm and sad and I am his mother and I can fix this, this time. When he is older and I cannot surround him with my arms, then he will be sad and my heart will break at how useless magic kisses have become.
I put him to bed with a warm bottle, knowing that he is tired and listen to him cry anyway. This is hard. This breaks my heart. This is probably best for all of us, that he sleeps now.
***
I send my daughter outside, to play fortheloveofgod go and play. She lies on the trampoline for an hour, not moving and I watch her as I wander around the house. She is tired and miserable and sad and bendy. She comes back inside and we lay together on the couch and I feel the heat of her. A temperature rising, her joints aching. I thank everything that I have panadol handy and I dose her up and lay her in bed. She is limp and miserable and I lay with her for a time.
Motherhood is hard.
Motherhood is beautiful.
***
The truth is hard.
The truth is beautiful.
With all this talk of authenticity, I can only be myself and this is how I am in real life too. I might not talk about all of it, but I’m honest at the core.
There are things happening and things brewing and at this point, I’m not sure I’m content to sit back and say nothing, but the drama and the angst, I don’t want it.
So I’m saying: Watch and listen and see what happens. Sit here alongside me and we’ll eat popcorn and wait for the fallout. Because it’s coming and it’s not going to be pretty.
I’m so grateful when my girls come asking for cuddles / kisses to make things better. They don’t always want them – especially Annie. So when they come asking it is so incredibly wonderful.
I know the feeling. Isaac wants to be held constantly, but that is different to proper snuggles, that are rare.
Finding a balance is hard……………..its like walking a tightrope.
My girls still love cuddles…………..at the ages of 13 and 11……its lovely.
It really is like tightrope walking.
You are a beautiful writer 🙂
Thankyou!
Well one thing I know for sure is that fallout or no fallout, whatever is going on in your life right now, you will NOT be alone. xx
Thanks 🙂
I am wondering if this year is about balance as I am seeing a lot of it everywhere. All of us are searching for it and none of us are finding it, but it has to be out there.
I’m keeping my finers crossed for the good things brewing, and I have plenty of corn for popping 🙂
I think 2011 might be about balance for me. Balancing being nice, with being honest. Some of the RL stuff going on is making me more and more annoyed. Sigh.
I have corn for popping too! And trust me, the good things? They’re very very good and I will hopefully be able to talk about them publically soon.
I hope it’s less ugly than it could be.
I think it will be, probably not all that ugly at all. I hope.
Pass the popcorn, I’ll bring the butter and picnic rug 😉
I need a good picnic rug!
Beautifully written Veronica. Motherhood is hard and beautiful. I’m currently coming to terms with having passed on my own health issues to my 13-year-old, and a little bit of me is broken. Then last week after yet another 1hr of physio we sat outside and had a drink and chatted about the good and the bad, his fears and tears. And then we sat and we laughed and were silly and rode home in the car singing Bon Jovi’s “Dead or Alive” at the top of our voices and that bit of beauty erased the pain, at least for a little while.
I’m trying not to think about how bad the kids issues are going to be when they hit puberty. Really trying not to think.
It sounds like the laughing and silliness were exactly what you needed.
Why will there be fallout? Stay positive. It doesn’t mean that you need to abandon realism, but it will keep you smiling on the inside when all else is lost.
I’m a positive sort of person. I tell people that I am eternally hopeful!
{{{Hugs}}}
🙂 xxx
The truth is a beautiful thing Veronica and knowing when to write and when to walk away without pressing publish is also a beautiful thing. xx
It is, definitely.
arm yourself with knowledge just in case, hope for the best and don’t go borrowing trouble
xx
Beautifully written. Real Life crap passes it always does in time.
The EDS stuff around puberty is generally much worse for girls than boys. Testerorone for once being a friend. The good thing is that you know already so will be able to make muscles as strong as they can be, prior to onset. Avoid, long jump at all costs! No matter how good they say they are at it.
Why do you think I write poetry when my emotions at so strung out? Why do you think my posts may be cryptic? It’s nice ot vent, but it comes at a cost. Problem is, bottling things up comes at a cost too. I didn’t bottle up, was open and honest with some people in the last few weeks; honesty do not always pay, but it’s often better for the soul.
Hmm. I haven’t got popcorn at the mo but if you let me know when, I’ll pop out and get some.
I hope everything is ok. I understand the need to be cryptic, or even say nothing. It is easier sometimes. The fall out can be horrible, not that I’ve ever experienced it but I’ve seen others go through it.
You write so eloquently about motherhood. It is hard, and beautiful.
You can only ever be yourself.
Be it.
Be it well.
I love your writing Veronica. Thanks for being so honest.
Just so you know – I will be reading along….
xo
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