Three weeks ago when my period didn’t show up, I was certain I was pregnant. When I vomited for the first time and my breasts leaked colostrum and my nose was oh so sensitive, I was certain I was pregnant. When my blood pressure dipped and I almost passed out and I was exhausted and sick, I was certain I was pregnant.
I took a pregnancy test.
Negative.
But. Is that a hint of a line? Honey, can you see that? It looks like it’s catching at the top, just a little, is that a line? Am I imagining things? Never mind, it’s too faint to tell. Oh wait, it’s fading, it probably wasn’t a line. I’ll just test in a few days and see then.
And so, I waited a few days and took a second one.
Negative. Starkly, whitely, negative.
I counted cycle days and added things up on my fingers. I remembered the last time I lay next to my partner, our skins slick with sweat and I counted back to then.
fifteen
sixteen
seventeen
days
It’s early I told myself, I’ll just wait a little longer.
I waited almost 10 days.
My breasts stopped leaking.
My nose was less sensitive.
I didn’t feel heavy anymore.
I continued to be sick however.
Still, no period.
Another test. Plenty late enough to show what needs showing. But it’s negative again and despite the sickness, I am as positive now as I was then, that I am not pregnant.
Whether I was in the first place or not is debatable. But I know my body and I know me.
In my future I see blood tests and probing ultrasound wands. I see doctors visits and questions of why is my body not working again. I see shaken heads and no answers.
And it’s funny, but I don’t remember stepping back on this rollercoaster.
***
As an aside, I am fine actually. Rather ill, but at this stage, and with 3 negative pregnancy tests behind me, my nausea would be Ehlers Danlos and progesterone related. I’m trying to get in to see my doctor but someone has forgotten to switch the phones to the other clinic and so I keep getting the answering maching. Grumble grumble. And I know, this isn’t normally what I write about here, but bleh.
Hugs V,
Hope you feel better soon and the ride is short this time.
Thanks Tiff. I’m actually upset about it, if there was even anything to be upset about.
That sucks! A lot. Do you want some chocolates?!
Oh hun, sorry to hear you’re feeling rubbish and it’s not for good reason! 🙁 *huggles* xx
I’m assuming you were hoping for a positive test? Sorry for the disappointment (and other yuk). Bloody progesterone. It’s going to be the end of me I’m sure (my migraines are connected to progesterone fluctuations). Hugs
thats what mine were like remember? 😮
All is well with our baby too, saw a hint of it yesterday, it’s the size of a sesame seed heh!
Hope u feel better soon deary ^^ xo
I did 5 pregnancy tests at home. All of them were negative. I went to the ob/gyn and they did another urine test and a blood test. The urine was negative and the blood test finally showed positive. I’m not sure what that proves except that my urine is evidently very shy.
Dangit, I was hanging on the edge of my seat….waiting for that line!
That reminds me that I’ve forgotten my progesterone therapy today! Must go remedy that.
I had something similar recently, but I know I was pregnant. I don’t want any more children but I was still gutted when it ended.
I’m sorry, and I hope you’re roller-coaster ride is short and not too bumpy this time.
xxx
I’m so sorry you are upset. You are so young, I bet you hate it when people say that but I am truthful as you know so time is on your side.
I used to work for social services in another life a long time ago for adoptions. You would be surprised how many adopted parents (very very much older than you are now) having given up hope of having their own children and a few months after the adoption order going through find themselves pregnant. The theory being that as soon as they stop thinking about it it happens.
I can’t bear the thought of each month you thinking about getting pregnant then being disappointed just can’t bear it. So at risk of you never ever speaking to me again I will say this. Think about everything else if you can but this and you may find things change. Your body has relatively recently got over a major infection (pneumonia sp) and what with breast feeding and hormonal changes combined with EDS the body has had so much to deal with.
If you were 40 and writing this I would be saying very different things.
In the meantime I know in no way what I write negates the pain of your experience or changes your wants or needs.
I guess I just don’t like it when you are disappointed, grieving anything really that means you are feeling sad.
Take care Veronica.
There isn’t a lot to say about the rollercoaster other than it sucks arse. Big fat hairy stinky arse at times. I’ve had my own little ride with IVF, and I’m about to jump back on (my beautiful little girl has dulled the memory). So in the immortal words of one young B Fanning; I just want to wish you well 🙂
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