Children

Here-ya!

by Veronica Foale on January 22, 2010

in Children

He talks now, non stop. Most of it is garbled baby nonsense, but slowly, we’re pulling words out that make sense. He mimics me and claps animatedly when we have a conversation.

Here-ya! he says delightedly as he shoves his hand down my throat, trying to feed me his biscuit. It’s soggy and a little mushed, but he is thrilled when I pretend to nibble it. Silly idea, as he promptly smears it all over my face.

Here-ya! Here-ya! A mashed together word, meaning ‘here you are’ or ‘here you go’. I try not to mash my words together too often, but hereyouare just happens, without breaks in the middle of it and he picks it up. Easy to say, easy to remember, he adds it to his list of words.

Not that I expect he has an actual list. He’s a baby and even the smartest baby is mostly daft.

A hole! Let’s put my finger in iiiiiit WAAAAIIIIIIIL.

Silly idea kid.

They never listen, babies.

***

He started as a ball of moulded flesh. Vaguely alien like, I birthed him and he was mine, ready to be shaped into whatever I wanted, so long as that shape was a little boy.

***

This morning as he screeched his displeasure at having his nappy changed and threw his breakfast across the floor because it wasn’t what he wanted, I was struck by a thought.

My baby. He’s turned into a toddler.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little sad.

He’s gone and grown up, with his own personality. He has wants and likes and they don’t always coincide with mine. For now, I am bigger and things like clothes and nappies are non-negotiable, but soon, my opinion isn’t going to be the one that matters.

***

He’s smart and he is clever. He can pull the wheels off toys and chew on them, he can climb to the top of the couch. He knows how to steal food from his sisters plate and he can almost get into my bra by himself. He talks and slowly his words take on meanings, rather than just baby babbling. He knows to crawl as fast as he can when the baby gate is open, to seek the freedom of the kitchen and then, outside.

But he still falls on his head occasionally when trying to climb down from the couch. He hasn’t learnt to fear heights and the falls accompanying them. He doesn’t remember that last time he played with the drawers, he slammed his fingers in them and this time, he’ll probably do the same thing.

That’s my job – the job of safe keeper. To prevent the falls, to watch him in the slippery bath tub when he stands up and claps, my breath baited and hands ready to catch him at a milliseconds notice. To leave pillows on the floor next to the couch for a safe landing and to either wedge the drawers open or shut, depending on their contents.

He’s bridging that gap between baby and toddler, faster than I’d like. He gets into mischief and laughs about it. He is my tiny little ball of energy, who follows his sister around like she is his God.

He is growing up.

For now though, he still needs my hands, ready to catch him.

Because at the end of the day, he’s still a baby and we’ve got a lot of learning left to do before he figures out what this world is all about.

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It’s hard sometimes.

by Veronica Foale on January 10, 2010

in Children

Standing in the middle of my dead grandmother’s empty lounge room. We’re there to clean the last of her belongings out before the house is officially sold and the keys handed over on Monday.

My father, stands on one side of the room. I stand on the other, with the baby crawling at my feet.

My daughter, in the middle of the lounge room, earnestly starts talking.

We will go see MyNanny in the hospital! And she will get better. She will come home and she will play with me.

She looks at me.

Mummy, we are cleaning up MyNanny’s house for her. She will come home soon and we will play with bubbles? MyNanny is not very sick anymore. The doctors will make her better!

I glance at my father, the same time as he glances at me. Normally, I talk to her about MyNanny and how she died. That she won’t be coming home. That she is gone and we’re very sad.

Today though, I can’t bring myself to do it. Not here, standing in the emptiness of her house.

Mummy. MyNanny will come home!? And we will play together, with bubbles! And she will not need to be in bed anymore. We will help her get out of bed. And then we will play!

Tears well in my eyes and I can’t bring myself to talk. I bend and sweep the hair out of the baby’s eyes. My father and I look at each other. Then,  I change the subject for my daughter.

Sweetheart? Show Poppy where you hurt your arm.

Look Poppy! I hurt myself. I did fall.

Mmmmmm, says my father. Ouch. How did you do that?

I fell!

She fell. I say. Trying to climb on top of the closet, using the couch arms and a pile of linen.

Oh.

Crisis averted. We’re not crying anymore.

At least,

not on the outside.

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Growing up

by Veronica Foale on January 2, 2010

in Children, Photos

Screeching your displeasure, you throw yourself at my lap. I enfold you in my arms and watch as you sprawl across me, all careless limbs and wide eyes. You’ve gotten so big, so fast and I wonder where the time has gone. How did you go from what you were to what you are?

You were born in a rush, a hasty exit that we weren’t expecting. I put my hands down and caught you myself, bringing you up to my chest. You screwed up your face and screamed at the indignity of it all, being thrust from your haven of warmth into a world of nakedness and cold, of bright lights and voices unmuffled by amniotic fluid. I held you close and whispered to you. They clamped your cord and I cut it myself,  making us two separate beings, no longer one person in two bodies. I had held you within my body for nine long months, now it was time to hold you without.

I watch you now, crawling across the carpet, racing away from me as I struggle to dress you; change you; inflict my will upon you. You have your own wants and they don’t always mesh with mine. I want you to be warm and comfortable, I want you to be happy. You want to be left alone, to not be poked, prodded and removed from the electrical outlets.

You pull yourself to standing and look at me, pleased with yourself. Clapping, I tell you how clever you are and we move on from there, your increased mobility helping to leave the traces of baby behind.

Of an evening, I snuggle you into my breast and feed you, the curve of your head matching the curve of my exposed skin. You wiggle around, contorting yourself into new positions without my help, getting yourself comfortable before sighing and falling asleep, my nipple still in your mouth.

I savour these moments, knowing that you’re growing up faster than I ever imagined.

Isaac 30 minutes old.

Isaac, Christmas 09

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3am

by Veronica Foale on October 12, 2009

in Book, Children

3am and I’m awake, thinking. I’ve just come back from feeding the baby and slowly I’m defrosting, pushed up against my partner’s back. He’s too deeply asleep to push my cold away. For that I’m grateful.

Eyes closed, I craft sentences in my head, running the words over my tongue, silently mouthing them. I play with sentence structure, feeling the words roll around my mouth like jewels.

With concerted effort I pull myself away from my grammatical musings and set my mind to sleeping. Something inside me tells me to get up, to write this down, to sit and in the silence, write.

Instead I pull myself deeper under the covers seeking warmth.

Slowly sleep claims me and I dream of words. Of leaking words like water, dripping like tears.

This is how I know I’m a writer. When I dream the words, when I spend all day thinking about how to write the mundane and make it beautiful. This is how I know.

***

I’ve hit a block in my book. I need to sit and work, but instead I procrastinate. I check my stats, I press send/receive on my email, I let my mind wander away. I stand and closing my laptop, I walk away. To think of something else.

***

Deeper I sink, into the fog. I push myself down into the grey damp depths and there I lay, quiet and waiting. I can almost remember what breathing feels like, here in this fog.

I lay there; stopped.

A touch on my leg brings me gasping to the surface again.

Mummy! she cries and floomp, she sits on my stomach. I pull her down to me and kiss the end of her nose, breathing in the smell of her hair. Laughing, she darts away.

I made that.

How did I make something so beautiful?

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Angry

by Veronica Foale on October 7, 2009

in Children

His scream makes me want to claw my eyes out. His anger, thrown out into the world; loud and defiant. Screaming his only way to express himself. He’s been thwarted from his goal and I am the target, the person who denies him what he wants. He screams again and I can almost feel the blood dripping from my ears, pooling around my shoulders.

The stress starts building and I can feel myself tightening up. I take a deep breath and drop to the ground beside him. Rolling him over, his fists flail at me, angry still. I bend and kiss his stomach; he giggles. I kiss him more and the laughter builds.

It doesn’t take him long to forget he was angry.

If only we were all as immediate.

***

I’m working. I say. Leave me be.

***

We come home from a day out at the supermarket. He brings in the bags and helps me unpack everything. Then he breezes outside, taking his cigarettes and his newspaper with him. He’s gone to have his half an hour unwind time. I’m left inside with two hungry tired children, fielding questions and grabbiness equally. I cook dinner with one child on my hip and another screeching at me from the floor. I throw crackers to the baby and pretend it doesn’t feel strange, willing him to not fall apart until I can get everything in place.

He can’t of course, he’s just a baby, and I’m left juggling. All my balls in the air ready to fall on our heads while he sits outside, alone, unconcerned.

I knock on the window, babe in arms and beckon him inside. He comes in, so hard done by, sighing.

The anger wells up in my throat.

When is it my time to have half an hour to do nothing?

***

I crave the silence.

I imagine it washing over me like a wave, sucking me down into it. A deep kiss of silence, drowning me in it’s grasp. Engulfing me and making me silent too.

***

I hid today. From my children. I hid and then I felt guilty about it as my daughter searched for me and I couldn’t bring myself to come out. I hid, wishing I were alone.

Just for a moment.

Then I walked out of the dark room. Back into the light and the noise. After the quiet dark, everything was a little more piercing.

But it was a little more beautiful too.

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