“Can you get off me please? No, I can’t open that, no really, I can’t. Get off. Do you have to sit on me? Apparently so. Yes, I love you too, now can I have my hands back to type with? Yes, I can see that you want that, no, leave that cord alone, can’t you just stop wiggling, no, yes, okay, I’ll squeeze you, squeeeeeeeeze, there, are you feeling better? No? Yes? GOD.”
“I am trying to type this. I need to get this done, stop clinging to my leg, did you just lick me? 30 seconds, fortheloveofgod 30 seconds. I am busy, I need to write this email, yes, I can put music on for you, what do you mean you’re hungry? I just fed you. No, I will not make you a salad, you didn’t eat the last one. No screaming, GOD, no screaming, please, just let me write this email, I’ve been trying to write it for an hour. How am I meant to get anything done. No, stop pulling on my hands, stop it. Seriously, stop it. What do you want to eat? No, you can’t have a biscuit, or chocolate, and the only apple left is for school. No, I mean it, you can’t have the apple. Do you want a pear? No, we’ve run out of carrots and no, I can’t pick one from the garden, we’ve picked all the big ones.”
“Get off the bench, no really, get down. GET DOWN. Stop climbing. Okay? No, you can’t have the sugar, put the cocoa back, careful, that cup is going to fa… fuck. Yes, I know it smashed, I can see it. You, stop screaming. It’s FINE, it was an accident. I’ll clean it up. You really want a cup of cocoa? Okay, I can do that. Not that cup, okay, what about this one? No? This one? No? Do you want cocoa or not? In a cup with a lid? The puppy chewed all the lids. Oh god, stop screaming. The pink cup? Yes? Finally. You want a bottle? Okay, go and find it. No, it’s not on Daddy’s computer desk and DON’T TOUCH THAT BUTTO- fuck it.”
“Just drink it. No, don’t play in it, do you want me to take it away? No, I said, get your feet out of it! Just drink it. No, I don’t care that it’s had your feet in it, you could have thought of that. Your feet are clean anyway, well, they were, until 30 seconds ago. I still haven’t written this email and yes, you can sit on me, but oh, do you have to sit next to me? Yes, apparently so. Can you stop wiggling you’re going to dislocate my ribs – fuck it.”
“Yes, MyNanny died. Yes, we’re all sad and why did she die? Because she had cancer and she was very sick. Yes, I miss her too. Can we talk about something else now please?”
“Stop climbing in the cupboards, where did my computer chair go, god, why is it outside? And stop chewing things, you’ve eaten more of my chair than your breakfast. Do you want a sandwich? Yes? No? Stop dragging me everywhere, it hurts, no, here, hold my hand, but you’ve got to stop pulling. Do you want to play outside? On the trampoline? The swing? Something? ANYTHING? Go and get your ball, we’ll go outside. No, you don’t want to? No, we’re not watching a DVD, you need some fresh air.”
“Put your pants on, no, really, it’s cold, put some clothes on, here, I’ve gotten them out for you, you feel cold, yes, I know you’re cold, stop screaming, if you put clothes on, you’d warm up. Come back here, stop running away, you need a shirt on, jesus but does this ever stop?”
“Eat your lunch, no, please, eat. No, you can’t have milk, no, no bottles, have you actually eaten anything except my computer chair today?”
“I still haven’t written this email and I’ve got 100 things to do and I still need to cook dinner and yes, you can help me cut up the carrots … and crap, we’re out of carrots. Anyone want potatoes? And I forgot to get meat out of the freezer, but that’s okay, we’ll work something out, do we want fried rice? I’ve got a lot of rice and frozen peas and plenty of eggs. Yes, you can help me mix the eggs, but please don’t put your fingers in it… never mind, they’re healthy chooks anyway, I’m sure they won’t give you salmonella.”
“Don’t touch that button! FUCK. There went a day’s work. Please let it have autosaved, because god knows I haven’t been near it to press save lately and of course it hasn’t autosaved. A whole day’s work, gone. Yes, I love you too and you want to come up again? Sweetheart, I can’t carry you around, you’re too heavy for me. Go on, get down, stop clinging, I am putting you down, if you want a snuggle then we’ll sit down, but oh god, stop screaming.”
