It’s a slow slide down into the dark places in my mind. Moments stretch into infinity as I imagine the worst case scenarios and how I would deal with them. I’m not sure how I got here, all I know is that I’m sitting at the bottom, looking at the light a very long way up.
It’s always unpleasant down here and the road back up is long and cold, usually.
The screaming outside of my head is never as bad as the screaming inside of it. The way the sound reverberates around, shaking all coherant thought with it, until I just want to curl up in the corner and drown it out with someone elses words.
It will be okay. It will be fine, I will be FINE, this is all fine. One foot and then another. It will be okay.
I’m regretful and despite regret being useless here, it insists on hanging around and I’m raw enough without adding regret to the mix.
Some nights, I dream ghosts and then I have days like today. Dreaming the past, I’d like to stay there. Nothing was broken there (only… everything was. We just didn’t know it yet.)
That’s the problem with dreaming the past, rather than the future. You can’t get there anyway, so there is no use trying.
Better to dream the future.
At least then you’re left with possibility.
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6 responses to “When it gets dark”
I can’t remember that quote about the past being behind us, the future ahead of us, and that’s why the present is a gift.
For me … and it doesn’t always work, I have my moments where my mind somersaults with anxiety … the key is living in the present. I can’t change the past, I can’t predict the future. But I can deal with the now (which will help mould my future), and I can pause to count my blessings. And for the bad stuff? I can take time out to do what I can do to change things. I can only ever do my best.
And then I have to breathe and accept my life.
Don’t know if that helps …)
its hard to leave the past behind you,when it keeps appearing at your shoulder.
it often bogs me down and makes life very hard.
just breathe…………thats all I can offer……….
hugs
As Dory (and your mum) say… just keep swimming… just keep fucking swimming.
*hugs* xxx
Somedays I want it to not be, that past where the future looked bright and shiney.
Then there are days where I can set aside those things I had dreamed and see that now is beautiful and amazing, just different.
Those past dreams seem to hide the moments of today that are beautiful.
But I want that future I had dreamed of, with the people I cared about still in it.
Hello Special Lady
Just wanted to come over and say thank you with all my heart for joining my little sisterhhod I was so excited to see you there. I know how you feel with the thoughts in your head I have them all the time, only writing helps me….but not always.
Come visit me anytime and thank you again xo
Always Wendy
Sometimes I don’t know where I prefer to be. Back before I was sick? But that was before Joel and the boys. Now? When I”m so ill, Ijust want it all to go away? But while my boys are here, adorable, be in the moment. Or later. Maybe I’ll be better? But probably not. Maybe worse? I hate to think.
This limbo, it’s almost ok. The not knowing.