I fell apart, broken and sobbing while the clock ticked down, stopped and then nothing.
I looked around.
Is that it? Is this all?
And it was. The year of firsts finished, not with a bang or a crash, but with a fizzle. A slight smell of burning fills the air.
++
This time last year I was … I stop.
Fill in the gaps.
I was shocked, exhausted and broken. I was stressed and fucked up.
I was changed.
++
Some women buy shoes, some buy clothes, some buy chocolate and others buy nothing.
I buy books. I buy other worlds to lose myself in, fantasies and other people’s pain. I buy lives and seep into them as I leave myself behind.
It’s a coping mechanism, but there are worse ones to have.
++
They adjust my painkillers and prescribe me something to help me sleep. I spend three days stoned before deciding to halve my dosage tomorrow and see how I feel. I can put up with a little pain in order to have this fog lift, to make my hands remember how to type. I’m swimming through treacle and somewhere out there, the colours are brighter and the world is sharp. But not here. Here there is fog and headspins and drugs.
Tomorrow will be better. Being stoned is a nice way to leave the pain behind and swim through unthinking, but it’s not conducive to thinking or writing or parenting. I want my clear head back – I want myself back.
I tell myself that there is always a learning curve involved in new meds and new doses, but I still feel ashamed of how I feel.
I didn’t mean to do this to myself.
That’s what they all say.
Keep repeating it. Tomorrow will be better.
++
My bookshelves fill up and I wonder how many more books I can buy before we’ve got no room for them.
Lots I hope.
Stop being so hard on yourself sweetheart.
Medications! You can take a little vacation now and then. Sometimes I wonder why a little euphoriant might be in order.
Years of taking medication only to stay straight is hard on a person, mind, body, spirit
I agree with Kim. Cut yourself some slack, V. Hugs.
Yes, cut yourself slack, but it’s also good to feel the pain a little. It’s only then that we really appreciate the joys for their purest, sweetest values. Tonight, red wine is my drug. Lots of red wine. Probably a hangover tomorrow.
You didn’t do anything to yourself. You’re only human. It’s the human condition. We’re born, we love, we suffer, our bodies break down. Take care of yourself. xx
There will always be room for more books. I hope you don’t need too many more, I hope you can soon buy them just because you want to.
Hugs.
*hugs*
I know it’s a cop out but it’s all I have right now. xxxx
hugs Veronica. Just lots of hugs.
There’s no such thing as no room for books. Chuck out something else and fit in another bookshelf. Line the walls with bookshelves. Put one at the foot of every bed. One each side of the fridge…
Losing yourself in another world through a book is a great way to escape for a while from the coping of hard times.
It’s okay to feel SOME pain but don’t be so hard on yourself. People are only human. We’re allowed to make mistakes.
Awww. We’re allowed to make mistakes and trust me, better than eating a gazillion cupcakes (the books) which is what I do whenever I’m coping with anything 🙁
Things will get better:)
Beautiful evocative writing, Veronica…
Look up Then order the CD’S and listen to the rain falling because behind it are one frequency on the left and one on the right that is different. the brain hears them and creates
a third, unifying the brain and solving long standing problems. I am using this system for anxiety and
depression and it is working. try it and read carefully before listening to the CD’S. Many blessings and
let me know how you are doing. Fond Regards. Uncledoug Doug Rosbury
http://www.eocinstitute.org
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