We talked about death a lot in your last few months, when we knew it was coming and we couldn’t stop it. Like a freight train it hurtled towards us, yet we didn’t notice it until it was upon us. It raced into our midst, and blared its horn. You passed away in the silence left and we were thrust aside, broken and bereaved, grieving your absence.
In the weeks following, I forced myself to cope even though I was shattered inside. I made inappropriate jokes and I woke and ate and slept at all the right times. I pushed down my grief until it was a tiny little ball in the pit of my stomach.
Only now, it’s welling upwards. Leaving me with a feeling of panic, because like the freight train that was your death, I can’t stop it. I can merely sit and wait to ride it out and hope I don’t end up broken irreparably.
***
I feel the panic rising in my throat and I swallow it back down. I force myself to breathe as the wave gets higher taking me along for the ride; an unwilling passenger.
***
I’m sad.
Why are you sad?
I miss my Nan.
Oh. That.
Yes. That. He hugs me, knowing that no words will work here. He wishes he could make it better, but he can’t and so he’s inclined to ignore the fact that I am broken. Duct tape can fix many a thing, but it can’t fix me. He’s left feeling useless and I’m left feeling alone.
On bad days I will poke my jagged edges at his face. Look. Look how I am broken. Look at me and acknowledge this.
He lets me grieve in his arms, a safety zone. I can’t stay there forever though. I’m needed elsewhere.
***
Do you know that the baby started to crawl?
That my daughter is gluten intolerant and that is what caused all her issues?
That my brother had a speech read in Parliament?
Do you know that I wake up in the middle of the night unable to breathe?
That I’m certain everything is just waiting to go wrong and I think I’m out of reserves to handle it?
Do you know that we miss you? Every day?
***
In my dreams I talk to you still. Until the baby wakes and his cries jolt me to reality. I cry then, wishing that I were back inside my dream.
Everything is wrong here in reality. Like Alice through the Looking Glass, things are backwards and nothing seems to work how it should. Left is right and happy is tainted with inexplicable sadness.
I’m slowly learning how to traverse this new terrain. It doesn’t mean I’m enjoying it though.
***
I think you’d like them.
Do you know how much I love you?
I’m sorry for the death, and the panic in the dark. I know them both intimately.
Oh sweetheart. I wish I was there just to let you rest for a while and give you hugs. xx
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