On Blogging

Part One

Part Two

***

Anna had been in the InterWebs for a few weeks now and she was slowly getting the hang of it. Food was different here and the noise when she was amongst the Mummybloggers was horrendous.

I’m happy here. This is good. This is what I wanted.

However as much as she thought it and repeated it like a mantra, she still wasn’t sure. The happiness was palpable and no one ever seemed to get tired. Anna opened her laptop to check her About Page again. As hard as she tried, she couldn’t stop the thing tarnishing.

Sighing, she lifted her head and looked around.

The garish lights of the InterWebs were everywhere and she thought she could see the flashing .gif banners encroaching on her little bubble. Did it look like they were … alive? No. Surely not. She gave her head a little shake and bent back to her About Page, editing and re-editing the thing.

The Mummybloggers had been so lovely, taking her in and walking her through the Interwebs. She was going to be forever in their debt. They’d explained the importance of a Blogroll and a page for prospective advertisers. She was excited about the idea of making money from her writing.

She finished up her About Page and looked it over – the tarnish had retreated yet again, and Anna was looking crisp and confident.

And while I’m here, I may as well take care of the Blogroll.

Anna didn’t like her Blogroll much. The horrid thing was snappy and nasty, it kept trying to take her fingers off. It didn’t seem to matter what she did to try and contain it, the thing was never happy. Adding links, removing links, it never ended.

Maybe I shouldn’t have removed any links she thought. But no, those blogs were dead! Their owners disappeared back to Reality and I couldn’t really leave their links there, could I?

Nevertheless, the Blogroll snapped at her fingers and snarled as she tried to update it. It always seemed hungry and irritable. She had had other Mummybloggers complain that their links weren’t there and she was starting to get sick of the entire thing.

SNAP!

OUCH. FUCK.

It BIT ME.

The fucking thing BIT me.

Anna suspected that swearing had just undone all the work that she’d done on her About Page, but she didn’t really care. Holding her finger up to the light she looked for blood, before remembering where she was.

InterWebs. Right. You don’t bleed here. Not real blood anyway.

Making up her mind quickly, she sat on her Blogroll and as it fought and twisted away from her, she pressed the Delete button.

A little pop and it was gone.

Phew. All that angst and energy and it’s gone.

She felt lighter already. There had been a lot of complaining about who was and wasn’t on her blogroll and she might have made a few enemies when she couldn’t be bothered wrestling with the thing to add links to it.

Hungry little fucker.

She sucked on her finger and debated fixing her About Page yet again. Anna understood the importance of a good About page, the cynical guide in the beginning had explained it, but really, the tarnish was driving her wild.

As she looked around, someone sidled up behind her and sat down with a flump.

‘Arrgh!’

Anna jumped.

‘Who are you?’

‘Susan.’

Anna was expecting a little more information than that.

‘You scared me.’ She extended her hand. ‘I’m Anna.’

‘Sorry. I’m not normally here on the Mummyblogger side of things.’ Susan twirled a lock of hair, looking a little ashamed. ‘I’m not really welcome here.’

Anna looked her up and down. She looked nice enough.

‘Why is that?’

‘I disagreed with Jennifer once. In the beginning.’

Jennifer was the leader of the Mummybloggers, the bubbly blonde woman who had welcomed Anna in the weeks previously.

Anna gave a wry laugh. ‘I can’t imagine anyone disagreeing with Jennifer.’ Secretly she thought I can’t imagine anyone having the guts to disagree with Jennifer.

‘Oh I did. It was …. well. It wasn’t pretty.’

Anna laughed again. ‘I can imagine.’

Susan looked at her. ‘You don’t look happy.’

Anna sighed. She had been hoping that the recent edits on her About page would have hidden that.

‘I’m not.’

‘Why?’

It all poured out in a rush. ‘My About Page keeps tarnishing, no matter what I do. My Blogroll just BIT me and I deleted it – all that work, gone. The lights here make my head hurt and if I have to listen to someone else rave about how cuuuuuute their kid is I might just puke. Where is the real life? These women, every single thing is perfect and it’s driving me mad, because I’m not perfect too.’

Anna stopped to breath and Susan put her arm around her shoulders.

‘Anna? I know exactly how you feel.’

They looked at each other and burst into giggles.

‘Oh my God, I thought I was the only one. I haven’t sworn for WEEKS and my head hurts from being positive and shiny.’

They laughed harder.

‘Would you like to meet some real women?’

‘God, would I ever?’

‘We’ve got our bad apples too, but we’re all real. I promise.’

‘What do you call yourselves? I was told we needed to know what we were in order to cope here.’

‘We label ourselves Personal Bloggers, but really, we’re just Bloggers. Most of us are Mummyblogger rejects. So we’re probably Mummybloggers too, just not happy happy joy joy Mummybloggers.’

Susan stood and Anna followed suit. ‘Come on’ said Susan ‘We’re not that far away.’

Susan walked off and Anna followed close behind her.

Finally, she was going to meet some real people.

Well.

As real as anything ever got in the InterWebs.

***

Part Four Here

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Part One Here

***

She wandered out into the InterWebs; the group that she had arrived with disappearing rather fast. She hadn’t expected it and looked up sharply when she found she was alone – well, as alone as a woman could be in the middle of millions of other people.

Walking out into the crowds, she was swept along unnoticed.

Previously, the woman had been small and mousey. The addition of a slightly fabricated About Page had cheered her up and her eyes looked brighter too. Back in Reality, her real self was stuck picking up after children and washing dirty clothes, but here, in the InterWebs, she was free to wander.

‘A Mummyblogger’ she sighed in disgust. ‘I’ve heard such horrid things about Mummybloggers. I don’t want to be one of those.’ She thought about it some more. ‘Maybe I could be a MummyBlogger though. I have read some good ones and they do seem to have such good fun.’

The possiblity of having good fun seemed like a better option than worrying about what nameless people thought of a label stuck to her in any case.

Signs around her pointed the way and she walked forwards, hoping that she was heading towards the Mummybloggers.

Welcome to the InterWebs!! one sign screeched at her; the garish red and yellow lettering hurting her eyes.

In every direction animated looking people shuffled about in groups. She wasn’t sure where she was going, but here didn’t look quite right. The more out of her depth she felt, the more Reality appealed to her. Reality wasn’t scary and bright like this place. The trees had more colour and she wondered why, until her mind clicked – photoshopping. Right.

As she moved through the crowds, they parted like water to let her through and seamlessly closed up behind her. When she hazarded a glance back the way she’d came, she could see that her passing had had no effect on her fellow InterWebbians.

She sighed, and as she grew dejected she lost some of her sparkle. Her About Page grew tarnished and she shrunk down into herself, confidence fading. Up ahead there was a park bench in the middle of the mayhem. There was just enough room for her to sit down if she could just ….

‘Excuse me, excuse me, sir, please, if I could just get through….’

She pushed her way through and sat down with a flomp.

Opening her laptop case, she read through her About Page again, trying to remind herself why she was here.

Mother of two … likes reading and writing …. photography makes me happy …

She wasn’t impressed. Her moments of self doubt had tarnished the bloody thing to high heaven. She sat down to rework it and slowly, she gained her zazzle and confidence back. The tarnish pushed away for now, she looked around and oh! A bubbly blonde woman stood in front of her, talking loudly in a vaguely Southern twang.

‘Hi! How are you? You look new here, is there anything we can do to help, would you like a cup of tea, a biscuit, a sit down, we’ve got a very nice spot over under the tree there and you’re more than welcome to join us?’

She spoke very fast and the previously mousey woman wasn’t sure she’d caught everything.

‘Hello.’

She looked at the bright bubbly woman in front of her and held out her hand.

‘I’m Anna and yes, I’m new here.’

The bubbly woman, who hadn’t stood still for a second yet looked at her outstretched hand and laughed.

‘Oh aren’t you just adorable! We don’t shake hands here honey, we give hugs, here come and get a hug!’

Bending, she hugged Anna until her ribs felt near to bursting.

‘Come on, come over and sit with us. We’ll talk you through everything and you can have a biscuit and a nice cup of tea. Would you like me to carry anything? Come now, watch him, don’t trip over, he’s a tech blogger and they don’t like to be interrupted, never mind her, she’s not sure what she’s here for and him, we’ll he’s nice enough, although you haven’t heard the rumours yet have you? Never mind, come along.’

Anna felt like she was drowning in a sea of words and she clung to her hand as they marched across the open space to where a group of women sat around with laptops. The noise as she reached them was overwhelming, but she resolved to enjoy herself. After all, she didn’t have to stay, did she.

Her guide dragged her forwards and stood her in front of the group.

‘Girls! Girls! I’ve found a new one!’

‘Oh fantastic’ ‘I wonder where she came from’ ‘I hope she’ll like me’ ‘A new one, yay!’ ‘Oh no, another one, really? Don’t you think we have enough?’

The voices murmured around her and she stood and smiled, hoping that her faked confidence wasn’t having any effect on her newly edited About Page.

Slowly a spot cleared for her and hands reached out, helping to settle her into her spot.

‘I hope she’s comfortable’ ‘She looks nice’ ‘I wish I’d found her’ the murmuring continued.

‘Girls! For goodness sakes, give her a moment to collect a thought!’

The women moved back slightly and Anna breathed deeply as someone pressed a cup of tea into her hand. She took a sip and then exhaled.

‘Oh this is lovely.’

For all the pressing in and the noise, she found the company excellent. Much better than the jaded tour guide in the beginning . All these women wanting to know her. The community. That was the word. Even though it felt a little restrictive, she thought she could be happy here.

She looked around and her eyes had gained some brightness.

‘Hello and thank you for the lovely welcome. My name is Anna and I’m going to be a Mummyblogger!’

The voices bubbled around her and the women, they swept her in and held her in their depths, congratulating her on her choice.

In the back of her mind though, she wasn’t sure that she was going to fit in here. But that small part of her brain was slowly being squashed by the nature of the InterWebs and the women surrounding her. The candy sweetness and the joyful light surrounding everyone, that was addictive.

As she looked over her checklist, a shy woman held out her hand.

‘Welcome Anna. Welcome to the InterWebs.’

She didn’t hear the sinister undertone as all the women repeated it. She was just happy to be here.

***

Part Three Here

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